Incorrigible Impersonations
by ayquefabulosa
Summary: Lucius does things at night when he thinks no one can hear him. No, not those things. Lucius Malfoy is obsessed with... dressing up and quoting Voldemort? In the middle of the night? Complete Crack!Fic. AVPM/S canon. Written for AVPM challenge.


The night of December twenty-third, 2007 was a cold and dreary one. It was also a very quiet night; outside of Malfoy Manor, the only distinctive things to be heard were the occasional screams of peacocks and the trees and leaves rustling in the breeze. However, inside of the mansion, aside from the snores coming from a mister Draco Malfoy, the slight tip-tap of a pair of shoes found its way into the ears of Lucius Malfoy.

Lucius looked down at his noisy shoes and scowled before taking one more leap down the stairs. He loathed those shoes, but if these were what his Dark Lord required to walk, they would have to do. After successfully dancing his way down the stairs, he took a quick listen to the manor, as a necessary precaution. Thankfully, nobody had heard him and everyone including those wretched house elves were fast asleep. Nobody could know of Lucius' _obsession _of sorts.

Now, Lucius Malfoy did not refer to his passion with dressing up as the Dark Lord and quoting him in the middle of the night, as an obsession as many would. No, no. It was just a sign of his loyalty to his master. Yeeesssssss.

He had to resort to practicing his "loyalty" whilst everyone was sleeping, dreaming their dreams of love affairs with house elves and having nightmares of rampant toilets. Because no matter how hard he would try, not a single soul would understand his devotion. Except maybe the Dark King himself, but seeing as that Potter kid had destroyed part of his soul it was impossible to know.

The blonde pure-blood waltzed his way to the guest quarters on the first floor where no one ever thought to look for him. Although it was rarely ever used nowadays, Narcissa always made sure that it was well-kept and had the house elves clean it every so often. But due to Lucius' hobby and his wives curiosity, he was soon forced to hide all of his Voldemort-related items in the large closet placed under multiple spells such as the BitchIWill_Cut_You charm and sprays like the House Elf repellent.

In the far-right corner he had made his own shine for Voldemort that had taken many days-worth of supplies and questions to assemble. But Lucius was not worried about this, the only House Elf that had actually gotten close enough to the shrine without spontaneously combusting soon remembered that he had to make a five-course meal and forgot about it.

Lucius skipped to the closet and made a few questionable movements before opening the closet. He scanned past the make-up and picked up a random pair of Voldemort-esque shoes and an elegant cape with silver sparkled that screamed 'Dark King!' that upon touch, magically wrapped itself onto his neck. With a flick of his wand, the wizard soon bore a close resemblance to Lord Voldemort. Or, at least, what he looked like last.

'Lord Voldemort' stood center-stage and began to spew out a song of what he would do if he ruled the world.

"Oh, when I rule the world I'll have snakes!" Lucius exclaimed in a reasonably high-pitched tone while doing a little twirl with the eccentric flair only the Dark Lord himself could manage.

He switched up the lyrics so that "Quirrell" became Lucius and continued his ballad.

Once the song finished, he frowned. Quirrell was starting to bug him, Lucius never liked him. Too whiny, reminded him of a cat like that Granger girl.

"Master! Master!" he cried, mimicking the tone of the Hogwarts professor. "The shipments for the first task of the Tournament have just arrived!" Lucius rolled his eyes, he had no idea how Voldemort could stand that mediocre dunce.

He switched spots in a flash. "Yes, I know Quirrell. I hear EVERTYTHING you hear!" He sighed, it was quotes like this that made him want to hero-worship him even more than Lucius did now.

As if hearing his own thoughts, 'Voldemort' cackled before swatting at the empty place on his left. "Oh, Lucius you're so evil, and ruthless, and handsome! Such a faithful Death Eater!" Cue sigh, "Why can't all pure-bloods be like you?"

Lucius jumped back into his character as the dashingly handsome, faithful Death Eater. "Stop it! You're making me blush. Anyways, you must be getting back I presume. After all, you do have a mad game with the bitches tonight. Am I right?"

Back into Voldemort, he was soon rolling on the floor laughing at his horrible attempt at humor. "Don't make me laugh, I'm PISSING!"

After more meaningless banter between himself, Lucius was soon standing up on a materialized podium with his wand out ready for a speech. He had his trusty recorder in one hand while his wand was pressed to his throat as if he were about to announce something.

"I will kill every man," a gasp came from the recorder, "woman." Another one, "and child."

A gasp resounded through the room, but it was not from his hand. Instead, Lucius whipped his head back and forth around the room to find the culprit. There, standing in his stars and rocket ships pajamas, was Little D with a pale hand clamped on his mouth.

With a snap of his hand, everything disappeared into thin air as the father strode in front of his son, hissing into his ear, "You saw, _nothing_. Understand?" The boy nodded mutely before running back upstairs to his room, back to dreaming of killer toilets.

Lucius Malfoy quietly closed the door and locked it using an enchantment. He flounced up the stairs and in the direction of his quarters, impersonating took quite a lot out of him, he noted dully. He changed back into his normal dancing attire and locked his door. But before going into his deep slumber, he had to finish his speech.

"Voldemort out, bitches!" and the light switched off.

* * *

**A/N: Yay! I'm back! Even though I wasn't actually gone for that long (maybe like two, three days) but still it's nice to be in the writing mood and have a prompt waiting for me. THIS time it ISN'T for the Six Billion Secrets challenge, instead it is for something else that holds my heart dearly. This, my friends, is the A Very Potter Challenge ;D. Just like that. Now, my character of choice was originally Lucius Malfoy and I chose the quote: "Voldemort out, bitches!"_ but_ I added Little D to the mix and_ pop! _came this plot. The story itself is 1000 words give or take some but my longest challenge one-shot so far. Because I like this plot _so_ much I think that sometime in the future I might take it down so it can be properly edited but this is my official entry. :D**


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